As the election approaches in the U.S., tensions are high, especially when people who are close friends express differences in political ideologies. For individuals in their 20s and 30s, maintaining relationships during times of high political emotions can be challenging yet crucial. Utilizing principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help you cultivate understanding and respect, even in the face of opposing viewpoints.
Identifying your Emotions
The first step in changing our thoughts and feelings is recognizing how political discussions with friends impact you emotionally. Political beliefs can be deeply personal and tied to our identities, values, and worldviews. When friends hold opposing views, we can feel frustrated, angry, confused, and helpless. Sometimes we feel all of those things at once! We can also begin to doubt our relationships, wondering if because we have different beliefs from our friends that means we don’t “know them.” Identifying and labeling these feelings is essential. I always tell people that simply stating how they feel can be validating, and bring our emotions down.
Cognitive Restructuring: Changing Your Thoughts
Once we realize how we are feeling, it’s helpful to shift our attention to our thoughts. CBT emphasizes the importance of challenging and changing unhelpful thoughts. We do this through the technique of cognitive restructuring. When you find yourself in a heated discussion with a friend, and your thoughts are racing, ask yourself:
- What am I thinking? Acknowledge your thoughts without judgment.
- Are these thoughts helpful or not? Am I assuming that my friend’s views reflect their character?
- Am I falling into a thinking trap? A thinking trap is a pattern of thinking that can be unhelpful, overly positive or negative, and sticky with emotion. Am I catastrophizing, engaging in black-and-white thinking, predicting the future, mind reading, overgeneralizing, labeling my friend, and focusing on the positive? These are just a few of the thinking traps that people often fall into.
- After we have considered if we have fallen into a thinking trap, it’s important to challenge our beliefs. I always tell people to try to poke holes in their arguments. Is there another way to interpret this situation? Are my thoughts founded in fact? If they are not…move to the next step!
- Change our thoughts: Ask yourself- how can I think about this differently? Is it possible to think about this in a more neutral way? Instead of viewing the difference as a personal attack, consider it an opportunity for dialogue. This reframing can reduce defensiveness and promote open communication.
Practicing Mindfulness
DBT encourages mindfulness, which is the practice of being present and fully engaged in the moment without judgment. When engaging in political discussions, practice mindful listening. This means:
- Focusing on the speaker: Give your friend your full attention. Avoid planning your rebuttal while they speak. Face your eyes and body towards them while they are speaking. Relax your shoulders and rest your hands gently on your lap, opening up your palms. Use your best active listening strategies!
- Validating their feelings: Acknowledge that their feelings and beliefs are real to them, even if you disagree. Remember- we can’t fight someone on how they feel or what they are thinking! You might say, “It makes sense that this issue is important to you.” Try not to negate what your friend is saying in the same breath. No one appreciates being told, “I understand that you care about this AND I think you’re an idiot.”
- Taking a pause: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before responding. I once heard it called “the power of the pause.” Sip a cold drink, go to the bathroom, or check your phone. This helps prevent things from escalating and promotes a more constructive conversation.
- Check yourself: If you are noticing your thoughts are falling into judgmental territory, stop and re-word. Try to focus on what you are seeing and hearing, and don’t add anything. Sometimes if we are struggling to not judge, I just tell people to repeat what their friend is saying in a neutral tone. It’s helpful to start the sentence with “You’re telling me…”
Establishing Boundaries
It’s essential to know when to draw the line. While open dialogue is vital, some discussions can be too heated or emotionally charged. DBT emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries. When figuring out your boundaries:
- Choosing the right time and place: Some discussions are better suited for private settings rather than social gatherings where tensions might escalate. Also, there are times when we are more or less able to have these conversations. It is okay to tell your friend that you want to have this discussion, but need to table it to a time that you are more emotionally available. If you are unable to have a conversation due to the time or place, make sure to come back to it, so that you are not avoiding it, but rather taking a pause. By coming back to the conversation, we are also communicating to our friends that we care about them and want to be able to talk even despite having differing beliefs.
- Agreeing to disagree: Sometimes, it’s best to acknowledge that you won’t change each other’s minds. You can say, “I appreciate our friendship, and while we may not agree on this, I respect your perspective.”
Finding Common Ground
Despite differing beliefs, you and your friend likely share common values, such as a desire for community, safety, or well-being. Focus on the overlap in values during your conversations with friends. Ask questions like:
- “What do you think we can agree on about this issue?”
- “How do you believe we can work towards a solution together?”
This can help shift the focus from division to collaboration, fostering a sense of unity rather than discord.
Engaging in Self-Care
It’s important to take care of your emotional well-being! Engaging in self-care practices can help you manage stress and anxiety related to political discussions. Consider:
- Setting aside time for activities you enjoy: Whether it’s exercise, reading, or hobbies, these activities can provide a necessary emotional reset. These activities are even more important during times when you are struggling.
- Limiting exposure to divisive news: Consuming less media that stokes polarization can help maintain a more balanced perspective. Only commit to watching the news or reading newspapers once or twice per day, so that you are updated and not overwhelmed.
- Reaching out for support: If political discussions are taking a toll on your mental health, consider talking to a therapist who can provide guidance based on CBT and DBT principles. We often see people who are struggling with managing their anxiety during times of intense political activity.
Conclusion
Navigating friendships with differing political ideologies can be challenging, especially as the election approaches. However, by using strategies from CBT and DBT, you can foster understanding, respect, and connection. Remember to practice mindfulness, challenge unhelpful thoughts, set boundaries, and focus on common ground. With these tools, you can not only maintain your friendships during this tumultuous time but also grow as an individual, learning to appreciate the richness of diverse perspectives. Ultimately, the ability to engage with differing ideologies is a testament to your resilience and commitment to fostering meaningful relationships.
